Expiration Date (SSBU Version)
by DrewCL2
Summary: It's TF2's Expiration Date, recreated in the Super Smash Bros Universe
1. Chapter 1

Kapp'n's bus was driving down the road after a long day.

Pit, Captain Falcon and Little Mac were all sent out to retrieve a briefcase containing all of Sakurai's work. The briefcase was stolen 3 days ago by PlayStation, now finally it will be returned to the rightful owner.

Pit's phone began to ring. Since Pit was fast asleep, Little Mac gave him a little punch to wake him up.

**Pit: **Gwaa! Bwaa! What?! What? Oh.

Pit picked up his phone. Zelda was on the other line.

**Zelda: **Pit, it's Zelda. Please tell me you got the briefcase.

**Pit: **Yeah, sure!

**Zelda: **Nobody saw you?

**Pit: **Uhh, well pretty much nobody…

**Zelda: **Pit, I'm right here.

**Pit:** Well, it's a funny story…

Captain Falcon jumped up from the back of the bus and swiped Pit's phone from his hand.

**Captain Falcon: **Hello, Zelda! We killed everyone and got the briefcase!

**Zelda: **Not everyone, Cap. You left seven witnesses.

**Unknown: **Help mee…

There was a loud explosion from the other side of the phone.

**Zelda: **Make that six. Look, just keep the briefcase safe, ok?

The bus then pulled up at the Smash Bros base.

**Zelda: **Have a good weekend, guys!

**Captain Falcon: **Goodbye, Princess! I am leaving the bus now!

Captain Falcon handed Pit his phone and then quickly ran out of the bus.

**Pit: **Yeah, alright bye bye! Hey Zelda, before you go, uhh-

**Zelda: **Yes?

**Pit: **Umm…

**Zelda: **Pit, what is it?

Pit had been meaning to ask Zelda out for several weeks now. He however never got the chance since she was always doing matches.

**Pit: **You're probably really busy this weekend, yes?

**Zelda: **Funny you should mention that, it looks like I will be burying bodies all weekend, so that you don't go to jail.

**Pit: **Ah, ok. So we're both busy?

There was an awkward silence from both speakers. Then suddenly, gunshots were fired from Zelda's side.

**Zelda: **Oh! Got to go.


	2. Chapter 2

Zelda hung up. Pit just thought for a while before turning off his phone. He then left the bus and went to the lobby

**Pit: **A lot of people, busy with business.

Joker walked past him. He had known about Pit's crush for a while now.

**Joker: **Asking out that dial tone again, I see?

**Pit: **Not now, Joker.

Pit noticed Dr. Mario and Olimar talking, and decided to see what they were doing.

**Pit: **Hey, so what have you Eggheads been working on?

Pit tossed both of them the keys to the bus, yet none of them tried to catch. The two had just started at Pit with serious, cold eyes.

**Pit: **Nice catch…

**Olimar:** Hey, listen. We've been running some experiments on the stage teleporter. You all might want to check this out.

The roster watched as Olimar activated the teleporter. A single loaf of bread then appeared in front of him.

**Pit: **Yeah, ok. You can teleport bread. That is...real amazing. Is K. Rool back with the beer yet? Because I…

Dr. Mario then broke open the loaf, and inside contained pulsating green lumps and teeth.

**Pit: **EW! What the heck is that?!

**Dr. Mario: **Tumors!

Little Mac, who was observing nearby while eating a sandwich, had stopped in disgust.

**Olimar: **You all know what this means, right?

**Captain Falcon: **ARGH! WE CANNOT TELEPORT BREAD ANYMORE!

Captain Falcon angrily grabbed Pit and threw him on the table, threatening to punch him.

**Olimar: **Woah, Woah there Captain! Not exactly. In fact, you teleport as much bread as you like.

Captain Falcon calmed down and let Pit go.

**Olimar: **That goes for all of you. If there's anything you all wanted to do before you. Well, died! Now would be a good time…

**Joker: **How long before these tumors kill us?

**Dr. Mario: **Well, let's-a see. We all-a use the teleporter, let's-a say 6 times a day. Times-a 4 years. Minus, we're-a not bread. 3 days! Yes! We all-a have 3 days to live!

The teleporter then lit up, and out came King K. Rool with a crate full of beer. Gangplank Galleon was playing in the background.

**King K. Rool: **Whooooooooo! Woooooo!

The roster simply stared at him with confusion.

**King K. Rool: **Woo...what?


	3. Chapter 3

_Smash Base: 70 hours til death_

The entire roster had gathered around the dining table. Joker then came in with a bucket full of papers.

**Joker: **This is a bucket.

**Captain Falcon: **Dear god…

**Joker: **There's more.

**Captain Falcon: **No!

**Joker: **… It contains the dying wish of everyone here.

Joker turns his direction to Pit.

**Joker: **Pit, you did collect everyone's dying wish?

**Pit: **Oh, you bet!

**Joker: **Excellent! Ladies and Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches!

Buttons were pushed all around the room as every fighter turned their watches on.

Joker then began to walk around to give a speech.

**Joker: **We have 70 hours to live. For most people, no time at all.

Joker placed his hand on Little Mac's shoulder, who was on the verge of falling asleep. Little Mac jerked up awake quickly.

**Joker: **We are not most people. We are fighters! We have the resources, the will. To make these hours count!

With that speech, everyone in the room gave their applause.

**Joker: **The clock is ticking ladies and gentlemen. Let's begin.

Joker then took a slip of paper out of the bucket.

**Joker: **Our first dying wish is Pit's! He's...drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car…

Pit began to giggle, along with a few others in the room.

**Joker: **I have something radiating off of me.

**Pit: **Yeah, those are stink lines!

Pit turned his attention to the rest of the roster.

**Pit: **That's why the car hit him, cause he smells!

Many fighters began to laugh, some just smiled in amusement. Others simply remained mature and calm.

**Joker: **Yes, I see…

After the crowd died, Joker pulled another card out of the bucket. Another one by Pit.

**Joker: **Here you've drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel tower.

Pit began to laugh even more.

Joker continued to pull out cards by Pit.

**Joker: **The Eiffel tower having sexual congress with me.

Pit, along with a few others continued to laugh.

**Joker: **We're both relaxing post-coitus…

**King K. Rool: **Post-coitus…

Pit was now nearly in tears with laughter, and covering his head on the table.

**Joker: **I'm crying, and the Eiffel tower has stink lines coming off of I-DID ANYONE BESIDES PIT PUT A CARD INTO THE BUCKET?!

Everyone shook their heads. Some had joined Pit in laughter, while a few were already leaving.

**Pit: **Oh man, classic Pit!

**Joker: **Fantastic, this was a huge waste of my time…

**Captain Falcon: **You did not read mine!

**Joker: **Augh, does it say you want the bucket?

**Captain Falcon: **Yes!

Joker slid the bucket over the Captain Falcon as all the fighters got up to leave.

**Joker: **See you all in hell!

As the fighters all leave, Dr. Mario and Olimar walk past them with a teleporter and some bread on a cart.

On it's way past, one loaf of bread fell off the cart. Captain Falcon, who was nearby, had noticed the bread. With an idea so odd, he took the loaf and put it in his bucket before walking off.


	4. Chapter 4

_Joker's room: 58 hours til death_

Joker was sitting back in his chair, reading manga. Trying to relax with the little time he had left.

Then, there was a knock on the door.

**Joker: **Go away.

The door opened, it was Pit.

**Pit: **Hey buddy, you got a second?

**Joker: **Oh, Pit! Please! Go f*ck yourself.

**Pit: **Yeah, that's a funny joke. Anyway I-

Joker got up and slammed the door shut on Pit's head.

**Pit: **OW! Wait wait wait wait! Joker, c'mon! I'm lunging my head through a door here to tell you I'm sorry!

Joker simply rolled his eyes and let Pit in.

**Joker: **Make it quick.

**Pit: **So, uh, I did write down one last wish. I'd like to go on a date with Princess Zelda…

**Joker: **You? You're terrible with girls!

**Pit: **What? No! Joker look at this! Look at all of this! No, I am great with girls!

_Flashback to Pit at KFC_

**Pit: **We both got buckets of chicken, you wanna do it?

**Blonde Girl: **Eh, ok.

_End of flashback_

**Pit: **But you, Joker. You are amazing with ladies. You know the fancy ones. The ones that smell good, wear dresses, and like to act formal! The ones that wouldn't go for a guy like me…

**Joker: **Hm, and why is that?

**Pit: **Cmon, Joker, I don't know.

**Joker: **Well, a mystery we will take to our graves then. Goodbye!

**Pit: **Wait wait wait!

Pit sighed. He knew the reason all too well.

**Pit: **Alright, Joker. This NEVER leaves this room. You are better than me, alright? I need your help.

Joker thought for a while, and then came up to a conclusion.

**Joker:** I'll do it, on one condition!

Joker then pushed a button on the console in his room, popping up a microphone. He blew into the mic, causing feedback around the building and grabbing everyone's attention. After getting the microphone ready, he moves it towards Pit.

**Joker: **Say that again.


	5. Chapter 5

_Training Stage: 51 hours til death_

Joker had prepared a few items on a cart to help Pit with his training. Items include roses, wine glasses, a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, and a bucket of chicken wings. After shining a wine class, he rolls the cart to Pit.

**Joker: **Seduce me.

Pit looks around, confused.

**Pit: **You?

**Joker: **Seduce me.

**Pit: **Joker, I'm not gonna-

**Joker: **SEDUCE ME!

**Pit: **Right! Right, ok.

Pit looked down at the cart. He grabbed the bucket of chicken and walked to Joker.

**Pit: **Hey there, uh, good looking. I got a bucket of chicken…

Joker then slapped Pit, making him drop all the wings out of the bucket.

**Joker: **I'm not one of your fried chicken sluts! I'm a woman. I like my men dangerous, mysterious! You want to be my lover? Earn it! Seduce me!

Joker slapped Pit again, this time using the hand of a dummy he took nearby in the stage.


	6. Chapter 6

_Notice: This is the part of the video where the montage happens. But to avoid writing scripts, I'll just describe everything._

Joker had spent several hours training Pit to become a gentleman.

When practicing for dinner, Joker got Mario to help out with serving the food, and Link and Wolf to play some music.

Pit attempted to use a fork to take a wing from the chicken bucket. Joker however, slapped his hand away, causing him to throw a fork at Wolf's eyepatch.

Next, Joker prepared a lesson on dancing.

When Pit showed him his bad dance moves, Joker shook his head. He then used a test dummy to show him how to dance properly. Pit attempted to copy him, but accidentally threw the dummy at the music box.

Joker then gave Pit a lesson on Demeanor. Pit was however busy drawing a picture of Joker getting shot in the head. Annoyed, he hits Pit with his pointer.

After doing some heavy studying in books about dating, Pit finally managed to completely every one of Joker's exercises with his approval.


	7. Chapter 7

_Training stage: 2 hours til death_

Joker turns on the lights of the training stage, ready to give his training test.

**Joker: **Final question. You have a dinner date for 7. What time do you arrive?

**Pit: **7 A.M. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I gotta kill him. Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than 4:30.

Joker was disappointed. After all that training, nothing seemed to change.

**Joker: **You're ready!

**Pit: **Really?

**Joker: **No, everything that you just said was insane. And we are out of time!

Joker gave Pit a glass of champagne.

**Joker: **Congratulations, you're a failure!

**Pit: **Oh, I failed, did I?

**Joker: **Yes.

**Pit: **Did I?

**Joker: **Yes.

**Pit: **Did I?

**Joker: **Pit, where is this going?

**Pit: **Where it's going is, I don't need you! I'll put this date on myself!

Joker nearly laughs.

**Joker: **Yourself?

**Pit:** That's right, fancy pants. Myself! So why don't you take your little failure, roll it up sideways, and…

Joker gestured his death watch, reminding Pit that he is running out of time.

**Pit: **Ok, crap I gotta go.

Pit quickly downed his champagne and got up to leave the stage.

**Pit: **Screw you, though.

Finally, Pit left for his date.

On his way, Pit passed by the alarm button and set it off with his fist. With the briefcase alarm going off, Zelda will be on her way in no time.


	8. Chapter 8

_Dr. Mario's lab: 1 hour til death_

**Olimar: **You ready?

**Dr. Mario: **Ready!

Olimar picked up one of the test loaves. The bread now had even more green lumps sticking out of the crust.

Olimar sniffed the bread. It's smell was indescribable. Just a single sniff nearly made him vomit.

After doing a smell test, he sent it through the teleporter.

The bread warped right next to Dr. Mario. Something was not right about it this time, however.

This time the bread was moving. Chittering and squirming in place.

As Dr. Mario leaned in closer to observe, the bread began to develop a mouth. The monster roared, lunging itself at Dr. Mario's throat.

Dr. Mario screamed as the monster began to latch onto him.

Olimar quickly called his Pikmin, and the group arrived to fight this mutated bread monster.


	9. Chapter 9

_Smash Base: 40 minutes til death_

Zelda teleported to several areas before finally arriving at the entrance of the base. With her was the bag of the many undisposed bodies from her mission.

She dropped the bag near a dumpster, and ran towards the door. A single hand (Most likely from Crash Bandicoot) fell out.

**Zelda: **Ok Zelda, you can do this!

After summoning a phantom, Zelda burst through the door. Only to run into Pit wearing a tuxedo, and having her Phantom nearly cut hit head off.

**Pit: **Princess Zelda! What a pleasant surprise!

Zelda breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

**Zelda: **They took the briefcase. Don't worry, we can fix this.

Zelda pushed Pit past and ran into the building.

**Zelda: **We'll get it back, and Sakurai never has to know.

The two began to make their way down the hall.

**Pit: **You look… You look… Uhhh…

_Meanwhile in the security monitor room_

Joker, Captain Falcon and King K. Rool were all observing through a camera.

**King K. Rool: **DRUNK!

**Captain Falcon: **Round! Soft! No, round!

**King K. Rool: **Blurry!

Joker shook his head and lowered his eyes in annoyance.

_Back to Pit and Zelda_

**Pit: **...Ravishing.

Zelda quickly glanced at Pit with confusion.

**Zelda: **Uh-huh, you too.

Zelda looked into the security monitor next to the alarm button. She sees however that the briefcase has remained untouched.

**Zelda: **Wait a minute, that's the briefcase right there!

She turns her attention to Pit.

**Zelda: **Pit, you've…

She then noticed a bunch of flashing lights, and turns her attention to the room directly next to the alarm.

**Zelda: **Are we having a prom?

The room was decorated with Ribbons, Balloons, steamers and strobe lights. Jazz music was playing in the background.

**Pit: **Yeah, well no. See the thing is…


	10. Chapter 10

_Back in the monitor room_

Olimar quickly burst through the door, alarming everyone watching.

**Olimar: **Guys, hey fellas, listen! It's just bread that gets tumors!

Dr. Mario then walked in with the bread monster in a jar.

**Dr. Mario: **Not even tumors! It's some sort of self-aware beauty mark that only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat! Watch this!

Dr. Mario gently shook the jar. The bread monster began to spin around before coming to a stop.

**Dr. Mario: **Ooh look, it hates me so much!

Captain Falcon came over to look at the creature. He then taps the jar, making the bread monster begin gnawing at the glass.

**Olimar: **So we're fine! As long as nobody teleported any bread!

Captain Falcon then came to a quick realization.

**Captain Falcon: **Question!

Olimar turned his attention to Captain Falcon.

**Olimar: **What's your question, Captain?

**Captain Falcon: **I teleported bread.

**Olimar: **You what?

**Captain Falcon: **You told me to.

**Olimar: **How much?!

**Captain Falcon: **I have done nothing but teleport bread for 3 days.

Dr. Mario angrily threw the jar on the floor, and grabbed Captain Falcon by the coat.

**Dr. Mario: **Where?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SENDING IT?!

The entire building shook.


	11. Chapter 11

_Back to Pit and Zelda_

**Zelda: **Pit, I get one day off a year, and you wasted it on this! Goodbye.

Zelda began to leave.

**Pit: **Wait wait wait wait!

Pit walked towards a door with the sign "Dining room" on it.

Zelda stopped in confusion.

**Pit: **Why don't we discuss it, over dinner?

Pit opened the door. A giant bread monster let out a loud roar through the doorway.

**Zelda: **WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

The monster crashed itself through the doorway and into the hall. It had large jaws and tentacles growing out of the bottom.

Pit grabbed Zelda by the arm, and the two ran for the exit.

The monster charged after the two down the hallway, destroying almost everything in its path.

Duck Hunt Dog coincidentally walked in from another room. After seeing the bread monster, the Duck flew off the dog's back in an attempt to get away. The monster saw the duck fly away, and chomped at it, devouring its prey.

The weight from the bread monster eventually destroyed the floor of the hallway, sending Pit and Zelda falling as the monster fell through.

They all eventually land in the basement supply room.

Pit got up and quickly armed himself with a nearby Killing Edge.

**Pit: **Zelda, run!

Zelda got on her feet, and ran towards the basement entrance. Almost all the other fighters burst through the automatic doors to fight the beast.

**Little Mac: **Now, doc!

Dr. Mario pulled out a super star and metal box. He then threw the items at Little Mac, making him invincible and tough as metal.

Little Mac then changed at the beast, delivering punch after punch.

Samus began to fire her rockets and lasers at the beast. The monster angrily knocked her away with one of its tentacles.

Zelda continued to move away. She then bumped into a rolling crate. The crate had a sign saying "Warning: Explosives" on the side. Zelda had an idea.

Mario ran into the fight and stomped on one of the monster's tentacles.

The monster angrily charged at Mario. Mario then used a fire flower to burn the beast. It recoiled in pain, letting out a load roar.

Zelda had taken the lid off the crate. Inside were several bob-ombs, gooey bombs, x-bombs, a blast box, etc. She grabbed a bomber, and began frantically messing with it's controls.

Pit was flying around the battlefield. The killing edge then started glowing.

After landing directly next to the beast, Pit swung his killing edge into the bread. The monster angrily grabbed him with one of its tentacles, swinging him around

Link grabbed his bow, and fired an arrow at the tentacle holding Pit. The tentacle threw Pit at Snake before coming off, knocking them both down.

Pit quickly got up to run back into the battle. An arm then pulled him back. It was Joker's.

**Joker: **I think it's going pretty well!

A dust cloud began to roll over them.

**Joker: **Now go!

Joker gently pushed Pit toward Zelda with the rolling crate before running off to help.


	12. Chapter 12

Pit ran to Zelda's side.

**Pit: **Hey, Zelda. Oh I am so sorry…

**Zelda: **For what, Pit? Pressing the only button you're not supposed to press? Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that-

Zelda noticed Pit's death watch.

**Zelda: **Oh, oh! Give me your watch!

**Pit: **Yeah, exactly!

Pit removed his watch and gave it to Zelda. Zelda then attached the watch to the bomber, setting a time limit before it would explode.

**Pit: **See, that's where it all starts! Well, no actually-

Pit was interrupted by Captain Falcon screaming. Captain Falcon then fell right next to them.

**Captain Falcon: **HA HA HA, I TELEPORTED BREAD!

A tentacle then grabbed Captain Falcon's leg and threw him into a nearby pile of Pitfalls.

Link pulled out another arrow, attempting to take another shot at the beast.

Instead, a tentacle grabbed his bow and sent him flying into the air with it.

After Link got back up, he pulled out the Master Sword and charged at the beast.

Before he can get a hit, Pit and Zelda push the rolling crate directly in his direction.

**Pit: **…so that brings me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this…

**Zelda: **GUYS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS!

Almost all the fighters run to the door.

**Pit: **Zelda. My last few hours I just wanted…

Suddenly, one of the tentacles grabbed the crate. The monster began to swing the crate around in the air.

**Little Mac: **COME ON!

Little Mac was doing his best to keep the automatic doors open with his strength.

**Pit: **Um, never mind…

**Zelda: **RUN!

The two run for the doors.

The bread monster then threw the crate at the exit, blocking it.

**Pit: **Oh sweet Palutena…

The bread monster lumbered towards them slowly. The beast then swung a tentacle at them, knocking the bomb crate away from the door.

Luckily, Pit managed to grab Zelda's arm and fly them out of harm's way. The two hid behind the knocked over crate.

The bread monster let out another roar, even louder than before. This time however, it opened its mouth so wide to reveal the inside, a hollow cave-like area.

The Duck it had eaten was still alive, and was simply perching inside. Seeing an opening, it quickly flew out of the mouth to safety.

Pit and Zelda notice this and get an idea. Zelda gives Pit her hand and a nod of approval.

The bread monster then swung another tentacle at them.

Pit took use of the dance moves he learned, and maneuvered Zelda away from the attack. They stop as he held her up and made eye contact.

Zelda then quickly used Din's fire to blow up an upcoming tentacle.

Pit twirled Zelda back to her feet, and the two start running.

As the timer on the Bomber ticks down to two seconds, the two run toward the Monster. One second before, they jump directly into the Monster's mouth. Its mouth slammed shut as the final second passed.

Then, the Bomber exploded, igniting the other bombs with it. The monster was engulfed in flames from the blast. Everything went completely dark.


	13. Chapter 13

**Pit: **Aaahhhh…ah… Zelda, you all right?

Zelda opened her eyes

**Zelda: **Ow, I can't feel anything below my neck.

**Pit: **Oh sweet Palutena…

**Zelda: **Oh, now I can feel it! Ow, ow!

**Pit: **Oh no, I am so sorry. This is…

**Zelda: **That…was so...much...FUN!

A smile formed on her face.

Pit was confused.

**Pit: **You're not mad?

**Zelda: **Oh, I was furious! You set off the alarm button and were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we blew it up with a bomb we built and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?

Pit smiled.

**Pit: **Yeah, sure!

Pit then remembered the deadline.

**Pit: **Oh no, wait. We can't, I'm gonna be dead.

**Zelda: **Wait, what?

Captain Falcon then poked his head into the mouth.

**Captain Falcon: **Good News! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!

The mouth was then lifted up fully to reveal sunlight.

**Dr. Mario: **I-a didn't say that! I-a just said we are not filled with-a tumors!

**Pit: **Oh, thank Palutena! So yeah, Zelda, I guess it's a date!

**Zelda: **Actually, this was my one day off this year.

**Pit: **Oh…

**Zelda: **Oh, but you can still ride along with me on some jobs!

Zelda pulled out her schedule.

_Meanwhile outside_

With the battle over, all the fighters were preparing to clean up the mess.

Dr. Mario and Olimar were discussing what to do with the remains.

Little Mac picked up a tentacle and heaved it off to one side.

Link was cleaning the Master Sword while sitting on top of the Monster's corpse.

Mario had found the other bread monster from the jar his counterpart smashed earlier. The monster was running around like a puppy as Mario tried to catch it.

_Back to Pit and Zelda_

**Zelda: **Tomorrow, I am going to fight a bunch of spirits from my series.

**Pit: **Ah, no.

**Zelda: **Oh! You can help me shoot them out of their puppets!

**Pit: **No to that.

**Zelda: **Well on Friday I have to kill someone who pressed the briefcase alarm button and...oh. You're already gonna be at that one...


End file.
